There will be flamethrowers!

In a short break from my normal blogging topics I thought I’d tell you about anxiety and how it relates to me.

It is relevant really because a heath and fitness should refer to all aspects of health and fitness, and certainly all aspects that relate to the blogger!

I will start with a bit of back story… in the dim and am distant past (about 10-15 years ago) I had depression and anxiety and it caused me all sorts of problems…

but I fixed myself, with some help and support…

Anyway, it doesn’t ever go away fully you just learn to live with it and stop it becoming a problem. So well in fact that I could quite easily forget I had it which is pretty dam awesome.

Until recently.

Recently anxiety has risen up and made a home in my head…

it is a bit like this:

I don’t really know where to start, it just feels important to write this down. It is not good pretending it does’t exist.

However, the first thing anxiety does it tell me that this is not worth a blog post. It tells me that I am just whinging over nothing, things are not really bad in my life after all. It tells me that noone wants to read this and that this is pointless.

It is actually right now this minute telling me that I should delete all this and not bother.

The reason I am carrying on with this is because it is important that people speak about these things, there is too much stigma attached to conditions such as anxiety and depression. The more people speak up the better. I also think it is going to help me to tell you all…

I can’t tell you exactly what triggered this, i do have a pretty good idea actually but it isn’t for here. Suffice it to say some people (not me…) did some things that shook my world view and made question a lot of things. It came to my attention around christmas and since then I have been attempting to process it. Anyway, it has triggered some anxiety I had almost forgotten that I had.

What I want to do is describe the things that this anxiety does to me. People have the perception that anxiety is extreme worrying or nervousness about situations and panic attacks. Well those things do happen, but they are not all or even the main part of anxiety for me.

This is what anxiety does to me:

It takes away my ability to trust my own judgement, it takes away my ability to accurately asses situations, it makes it impossible for me to know what I feel or believe what others say.

If I text someone, and they don’t text back immediately the psycho in my brain starts doing this…

“You are annoying them”

“They don’t want to talk to you”

“Why don’t they like you”

“You are not investing why would they answer”

“Stop texting”

“Just check to see”

“Why wouldn’t they just tell me to go away”

“I hope they don’t tell me to go away”

“Why would they want to talk to you anyway”

“They would rather talk to anyone else let’s be honest”

And more and more to that effect all in the space of seconds…

All the while the logical sensible side of me knows none of this is not true. It counters with:

“They are at work”

“They are busy”

“Even if they forget it doesn’t mean they hate you”

“Stop being ridiculous”

Then the psycho picks up on “ridiculous” and starts of with:

“You are so ridiculous”

“Everything you do its stupid”

“You are kidding yourself”

Again all in the space of seconds…

this carries on until it is so loud inside my head that it feels like it will explode.

So I text people again and again and again then I know I am annoying and start apologising for being annoying over and over again…

I did this yesterday to more than one person…

It doesn’t matter that I know that is is all in my head, I feel powerless to stop it!!

The really stupid thing is when they do answer the email or text the psycho starts off with

“You guilt tripped them into it…”

“They answered to shut you up”

It is exhausting!

Then there is the thing that happens when something good happens…

you get super happy and excited for a few seconds then the doubts start..

“You have no reason to be this excited it’s not a big deal”

“Other people do this way better than you it should be them”

“It has been a mistake”

This sort of second guessing and negative self talk happens for everything, every conversation (almost), for every event, for every time I step on a scale or decide on food, for every decision I have to make!

(Except dancing…this doesn’t happen at dancing for some reason)

This is what anxiety does to me!

I can’t pick up a phone to make a phone call without about a day of procrastinating.

I can’t go to a new thing with new people without giving myself a constant pep talk. Yes there have even been times when I can’t do things at all.

I rarely get panic attacks. I rarely give outward signs that this is going on… but it is there!

I can’t tell people because I don’t want to bother them, the psycho me tells me they don’t really care anyway…

I need to point out this is not all the time!

I am generally ok even now. It is happening more at the moment for some reason, but it is not all the time!

I am not telling you this so you (if you are one of those I speak to away from blog world) will text me back more often or more quickly…

I really do know that you all have lives and things to do!

I really do know that one missed text doesn’t mean you hate me!

I just felt the need to write this down because it happens to me sometimes.

I am winning over the psycho and I will not let this stop me from doing stuff!

Doing stuff helps!

Dancing helps!

Lifting helps!

Running and cycling helps!

Art helps!

Blogging helps…

So all I have to do is keep doing and find a way to stop listening to the psycho on the occasion that they creep in!

I am even second guessing publishing this post because I don’t want people to think I am guilt tripping them into liking me!

I am not! This isn’t what this is!

This is me saying no more!!

No more psycho no more monsters no more sitting alone in the dark!

This is me taking back my head!!

There will be flamethrowers!!

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About Ice_Badger

Exercisaholic, Photographer, Artist, Engineer, Morris Dancer, General Obsessive...

48 responses to “There will be flamethrowers!”

  1. Kiersten says :

    *sigh* I can relate to everything you said. Hang in there. I hope you find a way to combat the shitty voices in your head. โค

  2. Ian says :

    Believe: i like talking to you, i wish i found more time to. I care, this makes me sad, but thats ok, i care. I like you, no guilt trip. Hoping psycosam gets quieter.

  3. Lucy Brazier says :

    I am so pleased you wrote this post, and even more pleased you published it. I hope that getting it down in writing has helped you, but even more than that you should know how much is helps everyone else who feels these things and feels that same silliness. About 7 or 8 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression also. Like you, it comes back here and there, although never as bad as that first time. Even just a couple of years ago, I would have bouts of anxiety that made even going to Tescos on my own feel like climbing a mountain. Some weeks, I just didn’t leave the house at all and social gatherings were completely out of the question. There were factors that didn’t help, but I can’t say what caused it or made it flare up. Sometimes I feel it nipping at my heels again. You are such an amazing and inspiring person to me and becoming friends with you has been one of the best things ever. I know you can beat this, you are strong and you are brilliant. I am here always, for anything, and if I don’t reply I am either drunk, asleep or being woefully disorganised – never annoyed, never irritated and never bored. Biggest of hugs, my friend, I love you lots xx

    • Ice_Badger says :

      Thank you so much ๐Ÿ™‚
      It is a terrible thing to have because it is ages before you realise that something isn’t right and these thoughts are not just true…
      I had to force myself to publish it, the whole time I spent thinking people would assume I was attention seeking or wittering… I had to silence the voice because writing it helped and putting it out there has helped even more!! It has helped to know I am not alone…which logically I know anyway but logic doesn’t always win!!
      I do hope it helps someone else too, I think more people need to talk about it because so many just pretend it isn’t there!
      Even Monday this week I decided that was I I was shutting down and building a wall and noone would ever know how I felt… which is stupid as I was so excited on Monday too…
      I did the only thing I could think of to combat the “build a wall” voices and I told the world!! No hiding now!!
      I love that I have you in my corner and I love you lots too ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t believe how lucky I am to have made such a good friend!!
      If it ever nips at your heels again I’ll get it with my flamethrower!! Xx

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        Bring on the flamethrowers!! This has helped me this morning, so that’s at least one person! Just to know that I’m not alone (I know, I know – but logic gets lost in all this!) and I CAN talk about it, if I ever need to. None of us are silly we are just little humans in a very big world, bumbling through life as best we can, despite everything – perhaps even because of everything. We should build walls around the nasty inside voices, leave them in there, then head off to the pub with our flamethrowers and our gin, dancing and singing rude songs so we can’t hear them telling us we are stupid. Believe me, you have made life that little bit better for every single person who reads this post today, I promise you. That is warrior goddessing at an elite level! xx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        Yeay! It makes me so happy to know that I have helped you!!
        You can talk about it to me if you ever need to ๐Ÿ™‚
        Bumbling through life the best we can is an awesome way to describe it!! (That’s why you are a writer ๐Ÿ˜› )
        Yes I am all for walls around the nasty voices and we should starve them!
        Off to the pub with flamethrowers and gin and rude songs and dancing sounds like the best anxiety medicine I have ever heard!!
        I guess being a warrior goddess is about more than looking good with an axe ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        You will be my first port of call when I am in need of a flamethrower, I promise! It’s so brilliant that you didn’t let the voices win – this one post has made such a big difference already. I’m going to share it here and there, if that’s okay, as I think everyone should read it. If we all grab anxiety by the soft bits and give it a damn good kicking, maybe we can keep reminding ourselves that the anxiety is NOT real life, NOT the real life – but an imposter who is taking up valuable gin drinking time! Onwards, my friend, and we shall take all our fellow anxious people with us!! xx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        I would be honoured if you shared it ๐Ÿ™‚
        It is just how it seems to me but it is important that people read things about it!
        So many people think anxiety it just worrying about a certain thing possibly a panic attacks but then it goes away!
        It is certainly not real life! It is most definitely an interloper that gets in your head and whispers a little at first then you suddenly realise the whisper has become a shout!!
        I will definitely flamethrower it if it takes up gin drinking time!!
        Onwards indeed ๐Ÿ˜xx

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        Everyone will experience it slightly differently, of course, but there are so many similarities that it is always worth sharing our thoughts and feelings on such matters. This is officially a Good Idea! Now you have made the day smiley when at first it looked growly. Marvellous! xx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        Yes of course, there are differences for everyone but even just knowing people have some similarities helps! ๐Ÿ™‚
        Yeay for a Good Idea ๐Ÿ˜
        I am so pleased I could turn a growly day into a smiley day ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€xx

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        I’m actually grinning like an idiot, for some reason. You’re the reason!
        ๐Ÿ˜€ xx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        This makes me grin like an idiot too ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜xx

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ xx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐ŸฆŠxx

      • Ice_Badger says :

        Now I want to write a book called “Being a Warrior Goddess is about more than looking good with an axe”
        It is going in my notebook!

      • Lucy Brazier says :

        Aha fabulous! That’s a great title for a book. This is a book the world needs!

      • Ice_Badger says :

        It is!!
        I am not sure what to put in it but it should definitely be a book!!

  4. Ellen Hawley says :

    it’s worth a blog post. It’s definitely worth a blog post.

  5. Mick Canning says :

    Definitely worth a post! I found this through Lucy and so glad I did. Been there, whimpered at it. thank you!

    Plus you get another follower on the strength of it.

  6. Kate @ Did That Just Happen? says :

    It is like you are in my head! I have those same conversations with myself and it hurts! I can hide it really well, but that dialog was just never ending in the back of my head… well, it used to be, there is a lot of work that has gone into changing what that voice says, but sometimes, that old voice pops back up!

  7. tdlawson70 says :

    Excellent post, sums up bits of me that I like to pretend aren’t there.

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